so idk if i should say that my family have financial problem or anything.

cox right now we are able to like renovate our hse and buy stuff we dun need.

yet when i ask for some money for stuff i NEEDED they simply say they dun have any cash

MULTIPLE TIMES. or should i say everytime nowadays.

like idk if i should be concern or what.

i feel like working. not to help out my family but to help out myself first of all.

mom dun really cook. so home was much of a food palace anymore.

i rot at home cox i dun even have money for bus to go anywhre in the first place.

main reason why i stayed home and reject any outing that they ask me.

i have this chalet coming and my friend alr paid for my share.

i didnt know this until she told me. and we planning to bake.

well now we buy the stuff but it was all her money.

and i we went shopping just now and dinner. she even paid for my dinner.

idk how low i can be. i dun even know how to pay her back.

only way right now is to wait for sch and give it all to her.

i dun like being in debt to someone.

i never did, and this is so much for me. i owe her at least 30bux.

and thats the most for me~

some people are giving me problems alr. not mentioning names here.

but they really dun help my situation.

i can barely keep up with myself. and they just piling up my problem.

i never understand why my sis quit sch halfway in the past.

i heard is because she dun want to waste my parents money.

she want them so save up for MY EDUCATION.

ok at that time i feel that was crap.

but right now, i experience it first hand. i understand why.

why she misses out classes. she take up a job. and decide to to quit.

right now i feel that same way.

i barely have money in the first place.

i dun work or have my own savings.

so my finance depend on my parent.

and just for sch. they dun understand why i keep asking for money.

i mean, i i dun have to,i wont even ask for a single cent.

but if i have to buy something for my project. you must understand.

i need you to ask for money from you guys.

its not that im a money face or anything but hey,

i dun mind failing if wasnt for my dip and grades.

you wanted me to have my dip, so do i,.

but you guys make it so hard. seriously.

i skip sch for the reason people wont understand.

no one will. my parents dont so i dun expect other people would.

i mean right now most of the time i feel the one feeding me is not my parents so much.

its my brother. but once he's money is gone.

i got no one else.

i have my face. i dun go to people for money.

not even my sister unless i must to.

like seriously.. why cant money grow on trees?

make my life easier.

i understand why my relatives say my family is rich.

i mean,you people dunnoe the inside story..

we may look rich have the things better than you.

every one have laptops. and phone and all.

but sometimes i wish i were them..

living in not a big house but able to buy what you NEED and spen time tgt.

my family is not like that.

it may look like it.

the only time we get tgt and eat tgt as family is during fasting month.

or maybe when one of the working adult get their pay or something.

we dun like have a weekly family dinner tgt.

or shit like that, if you have.

you better be god damn appreciative.

my siblings dun really connect with one another.. except for my younger bro.

my sis is always not around.

bro and sis no longer like talk with each other.

me and sis rs is better than before but we dun spend much time tgt

except when in bed, dun get the wrong idea. we share a room.

i try to talk to my parent as much as i can.

i dun wanna end up like my sis and bro.. not so close.

only talk to talk mostly cox they need money.

i mean c'mon.. you guys are working..

im schooling yet when i ask i cant even get a single cent.

and i wanna confess something.

i use to steal money frm my parents! yes i know whre they hide it and all.

i still do sometime but not so often as usual.

you may feel what a bad daughter i am.

but if you were in my position. you will understand why i did it.

if your parent were to give all you want.

in another word you are pampered.

you are grateful. just like my little brother.

get mostly what you want.

i was raise to believe i deserve what i get.

i reach for my goal in return i ask my parent for something.

but not all goes my way....

when i passed my psle, i dun think i get anything.

maybe a phone. but i got a second hand one.

den when i passed my N level. i dun think i was rewarded.

but during my O level i got a laptop.

but heck, even if i dun ask for it, i need it. i mean its poly for god sake.

we need it. or we're screwed.

and my other sibling..

my sis got ANOTHER LAPTOP and my dad bought it.

lil bro got handphone. and he lost and change phone more than i do.

right now he keep asking for iphone,ipad and all the apple's stuff.

see how pampered he is. idk what my parents reward him for.

i mean his studies sux.. literally sux.

compare to us four, he's the worst.

not to bad mouth him. just stating the fact that he is pampered too much.

and its not fair but heck, he's the youngest of all.

parents are always suckers for their youngest child.

school wise... idk how im gonna keep up.

friends change. or maybe i did. idk which.

but they no longer close to me. no initiative to talk to me.

i mean we were so close in the beginning but in the end. hais.

include my secondary sch friends. idk what more to say.

sometime i am still insure if they were my friends.

honestly no matter how long you know that person, you will nv know if they are your friends.

truly.. i always ask myself that.

and poly life,or should i say designer's life, we need alot of money.

and most of my classmates and rich son of bitches.

i mean like... idk. compared to me, they are like rich beyond word.

and those who are the top in class are those rich kids.

i mean they can buy any material or anything in fact for their project.

whreelse me and fews others have a budget.

that wil leave us bankrupt in the end.

i have dreams of my own. but right now... i feel it so far ahead.

i love to travel. like out of asia. seriously.

experience new culture new food new people.

but things happening now makes it so hard.

i want to quit sch so badly. seriously. parent thinks its so damn easy to keep up.

i mean. give my a break. ever since i was born you gave me a hard time.

but i just persevere on my own.

that why you knew i was the independent one.

i learn how to go back from sch when i was 7.

and the distance frm home to sch is not just crossing the road people.

once i got lost and i rmb this cute cyclist help me out by calling my parent.

i rmb i have my parents no on me wrote somewhre.

and when i was 9, i move frm tampines to seng kang.

and it was durng june holiday.

i tot at the same time they would transfer me to another sch.

idk if they tried but i didnt. my elder bro send me to sch frm sk once.

and then forth, i went by myself. WHEN I WAS 9.

i didnt even turn 9 at that point of time. but yea.

i have to wake up at 5am to go to sch. and this is primary sch.

until i graduate which when i was 12.

during that point of time i have some friends trouble.

i always wish every year that i could transfer sch.

which i didnt.

den when i head to secondary sch. that was a break for me.

cox school is just 2 stops away or a 20 minute walk.

so that 5 years was fine..... but i did wish to transfer sch to due ti friends again.

and when i graduate frm there and had 5 months holiday.

i got into TP. dream sch. truly! still cant believe i made it!.

its lil far but the nearest poly i could end up to.

and half way thru first yr we MOVE again! i wasnt up for it.

mom dad ask everyone's opinion. but only me didnt want to move.

so we end up to YISHUN. just like primary sch. i have to wake up earlier than usual.

tamp and sk was ok. i was use to it since pri sch i did it alr.

but yishun and further up ahead, and sk is the center btwn tamp yishun.

see how far it is? my parents seriously dun give me a break. gosh. now i keep skipping classes.

came late for classes cox i was simply tired. truly.

like c'mon lah! im still in my youth. what? you want me die early by giving me all this probs?

and now i too have peer presure once again. on top of that the course i got was so much fun after all.

cox no one helps you.. or should i say me~

i so stress up everytime i think to much.

i will randomly think of my future and past.

and i will worried and scared and all that.

i admit i have tot of ending my life.

as younf as i was 7. truly.

but the tot of leaving my firends and family troubles me.

i mean sometime i do think what happen if i was gone.

who gonna do the things that i do.

i mean there is alot of things.

but i confess it doess cross my mid every once in a while when things really gets complicated.

no one knows much of this,

im the kind who just keep to myself.

good thing i forget things fast but bad thing is i rmb things randomly.

so yea. so many ways on how to end my life.

but sometime the thought of my pets and some friends and mom and dad.

[i keep thinking that i would be the one who would take care of them when they old]

and the people i help stop me frm this.

i mean people dun realise what i do for them.

like there's a saying. you dont notice them until they are gone for good.

life is so hard yet i put on a smile.

but sometime people taking advantage of that is so not cool.

i mean i do get angry but i dun show it.

and the tot of my dreams being unfulfilled really keep me going.

i want to meet my idols, Selena Gomez,Demi Lovato,Miley Cyrus & Taylor Swift.

3 out of four of them are of my age. isnt it awesome?!

i want to experience the four season.

i want to go America, see their lifestyle and all since i watch too much TV.

i want to go sky diving and all that daring stuff.

so much to do yet so little time.

i need to graduate and get a decent job so i could save up and do all those stuff.

getting thre is so hard but once i reach thre i know its all worth it.

as long as i end my life with happiness.

so much things..