They put in so much effort before and once they had you, they don't try as much. What they don't know is that effort that makes us girls take a chance in the first place. Why did I bring myself to care again? Why do I think this time is different with a different person? They all be like, always for you, you come first, morning text, goodnight text, hungry for your attention. Then after awhile, they got busy, they ignore you when with their friends. You weren't as important. They say you are but you don't feel it anymore. Doesn't it suck to be the one who cares more? the one that try to be consistent? the one that trying to get things to somewhere?

You know maybe it's just me. Give new people way too much credit. Maybe I should just treat them how I treat my family. Couldn't care less. I love my family, I do. Over the years, I was never as important anyway. Someone else is always more important in something. So what I do is that I don't give a fuck. They wanna be nice. Be nice. They wanna be angry at me. Be angry. Do everything or all I care. As long as they're safe and living, that's just how it is. They don't give me attention and I don't either. They do what they want, I do my own shit. No communication, I get it. It's either that or just a lot of shouting and crying at home.

He' great and all. He's there for me. I still like him. I think? I don't know what to feel anymore. If I start to feel then I start to care then I care too much and eventually just hurt myself. Making him one of my priority was definitely wrong move. I thought I was his so I did the same. I thought I was. Its doesn't feel like how it use to. I don't need 24HR attention. Then again. Keep mentioning this... Once in a while you know. Talk? Chat? like how everything started in the first place. Keep things going. Bad enough both of us work with different off days. If you're waiting for every meet up to connect then I don't know what else to say. 

No matter how busy I am at work or at home or at gym. I try to make an effort to like make a short conversation or something. I'm never busy for you. It's just priorities.. I always do this. Prioritize the wrong things in life. I know what matter most. Then I realize, do I even matter in the first place? If I matter, why don't I feel like I matter? I always ask myself that. I did feel I was a part of something before. I feel that I matter again. Then reality came back and reminded me how naive I was when I start to feel something for someone. I don't matter, I'm no one special. We are just human beings. We will be forgotten anyway, It doesn't matter. No one matter. 

Everyone is busy. Everyone is tired. I'm busy. I will keep myself busy with things and not anyone that won't matter anyway. I'm no good with people. I'm tired. I'm tired of caring and loving and hurting and stressing on my own. I'm tired of feelings. It's just better to care and love myself. I know I won't hurt or stress myself when I start to love and care for myself more than anyone else. If I treat anyone like shit or I treat you like you matter, because you deserve it, How I treat you is base on how you treat me. That what I always  tell myself but there's always a little hope in me saying, maybe I should be good to this person and I'm sure this person will be good to me too. Ain't happening no matter how many people I tried on. You get what you deserve. I'm done trying to find and believe and hope for someone who will treat me like how I treat them. It never happen and never will. I believe that at first then same shit happens with different person. If anyone invented something to shut my humanity, I want it. I don't wanna be soft, kind and caring person anymore. I wanna be those that don't give a shit about anything and anyone. I bet they have a way interesting life being happy and enjoy every second of it. I wanna bitch and confront and hurt people without feeling anything.

I got nothing anymore. If this keeps happening to me. Then it's something wrong with me, not them. I care more than I should. Maybe no one matters actually. I'm just too obssessed thinking about others instead of myself. I always think it's nice to think for others, thinking maybe someday someone will care for me more too. I never learn, human beings are designed to think for themselves. I'm actually half way there. I learn to do that with my family but it did take me two decades to not care much about them anymore. You know, I'm better off thinking for myself, before I met someone who I thought will be the same as me. Turns out, it's just as same as the last one. Maybe it's just guy thing. No matter what I hope for, eventually they'll end up the same way. They'll just won't be consistent cause they know we'll be loyal. I just have to face it, I can never have the same person that I took a chance with.

You're right, you shouldn't be my main focus when we are all and about. I wasn't thinking right. Guess you'll just be there when i have a meltdown or something. That's what you are for I guess. I thought you matter most, one of my top priority. I thought that's how it's suppose to be when you genuinely like someone. My job, my family, my friends, my hobbies and my happiness matter more I guess. People come and go anyway. It doesn't matter if I put any effort trying to connect with anyone. Not a people person. It's easier not wanting to get to know with anyone. It'll hurt less when they start slipping off from the picture cause in the end you don't know them well enough to care. I have issues with myself really. Maybe that's why I always put myself in this situation. Should just marry myself if I keep hoping there's someone who treat me how I treat someone who I care about, someone who matter most. Should get use to not using my humanity. Should just stop to care much. 

Too tired for this again and gonna get busy with more important stuff like my job. I rather work this sunday than to put it off the next day and meet you anyway. You'll understand, gotta work, you shouldn'y be my only focus. Priorities... We'll see each other, when I have nothing else important to do.. Someday.. We'll see...